You know those moments when they don’t text you back and you keep thinking:
Maybe they are just really busy and if they had time, they would definitely call.
Or they ignore you continually but in your mind you say:
Honestly, they must care for me, they are just probably not good at expressing their emotions.
That is just wishful thinking.
It’s looking at your wish instead of the facts.
Quite simply:
We tend to read our wishes instead of the reality.
How Does Wishful Thinking Affect Your Relationships?
Let’s take some examples from everyday life:
* They text you once a week and you say:
Secretly I believe that they are very sensitive and that their love is deep, that is why they behave in this manner.
* Their words are: I’m not ready for a relationship.
Your inner translation:
Not now… But if I keep being patient and nice, they will eventually change their mind.
* They disappoint you time and again and yet, you think:
They are not a bad person, actually they are very innocent deep down…
* They seldom set clear boundaries, talk vaguely, and disappear from time to time.
Your inner voice:
Their mind is just a mess. When they have sorted themselves out, they will definitely choose me.
Reality keeps sending one message.
Your mind is still watching a different movie.
This is a typical example of wishful, or wish based, thinking.
Why Do People Think Like This?
It happens because feelings sometimes outweighs the willingness to face the truth:
* Fear of being alone
If this doesn’t work, nobody else will that fear is what makes you turn a blind eye to all the red flags.
* Need to prove yourself
The moment I win them over, it will mean that I am worthy.
* Romantic fairy tales
In movies it follows the pattern: At first they don’t want you, then they see you are the one and a great love story starts.
In real life, most of the time, it is just one person who is not really interested in the relationship.
* The don’t let my effort go to waste feeling
You’ve talked, waited, explained, forgiven so many times…
Your mind tells you:
After I have done all of this, I cannot simply leave. It has to come to something.
So you start changing the truth about the situation so it doesn’t hurt that much.
The Side Effects of Wishful Thinking
In the beginning, it seems harmless:
Just a bit of hope, what could be the problem?
Slowly but surely, it happens like this:
* You find yourself always being their defender.
* Your friends say that something is wrong and you respond with a long but…
* The relationship no longer involves two people, you are the one who is holding it together.
* What is even worse:
What you do most is to shield their excuses instead of shielding your own feelings.
One day you look into the mirror and realise:
When did I stop being on my own side?
If love is constantly a puzzle to you that needs solving,
there is a high probability that it isn’t love at all it’s a blend of longing and anxiety.
Questions You Can Ask Yourself
Maybe in a relationship (or a situationship) it would be beneficial to stop for a moment and ask:
* Am I really seeing the facts, or only what I wish to be true?
* Do I love this person as they are, or am I creating a romantic fantasy of their potential?
* If a friend gave me this exact story, what advice would I give them?
* What am I more heavily guarding: This person, or my own fantasy?
Indeed, these questions hurt.
Yet, they get you somewhat closer to reality.
Keep Your Dreams, Don’t Sell Yourself
There is nothing wrong with dreaming in a relationship.
In fact, it is quite lovely: together plans, mutual goals, a shared vision of the future.
The point is here:
Once you start doing away with yourself for the sake of those dreams,
it is not love any longer it is self denial.
Wishful thinking provides you with a temporary relief.
There is a certain warmth in the phrase: Perhaps they will change one day.
However, after a while, it silently takes away:
Your time,
Your energy,
Your self respect.
So, maybe it is time to utter these words:
My dreams can still be alive, but I will not conceal my true self for them.
If someone is not able to see the real me, I will not make them a romantic myth in my mind.