The moment people hear the word jealousy, almost instantly their first reflex is to put up a defense.
Because jealousy is one of those emotions that no one actually wants to admit having.
Nobody wants to say out loud, ‘I am jealous.’ But here is the paradox: usually, jealousy is hardly ever the result of pure bad intentions.
On a much deeper level, it is, in fact, a very painful way of coming face to face with your own truth.
And yes, most of the time jealousy is actually admiration but one that is expressed in the only manner the ego knows how.
Admiration is a straightforward, open feeling. It makes you grow. Jealousy is just admiration gone bad.
You actually perceive the same fact: Another person possesses something that you do not.
But while in admiration, this fact becomes the source of a new possibility: I can do this as well, in jealousy, one and the same fact is experienced as a threat: Why is it not me?
One of the most simple yet ruthless truths in psychology is as follows: Through a rather exaggerated lens, a person perceives in others those things which, in an equally exaggerated way, they feel are missing in themselves. Because the mind’s radar does not just look around and scan ‘the outside.’
The very thing it is really scanning is what you have repressed deep inside you.
That is the reason why jealousy, among other things, functions as a kind of mirror. In a way, it reveals to you the very spot that you have been trying to avoid at all costs.
Jealousy does not target an object but a possibility. Jealousy because of someone’s attractiveness is not really focused on the attractiveness.
It hints at the possibility within you that says: maybe I could have been beautiful as well…
Maybe I could have been chosen…
Maybe I could have been seen. If you have long sealed off that possibility, the first person you meet who unpacks it for you will be like someone who tears the cover off.
It is at this very moment that the fine line between admiration and jealousy unveils itself. Admiration says: This is within my reach. Jealousy says: To me, it is out of reach.
That sensation of being out of reach is, for many people, something deeply ingrained in childhood.
Minds of kids that grew up as if they were invisible, constantly compared, only loved when they brought home the good grades, bombarded with be better messages are most likely to develop a …
…Never able to enjoy admiration as a safe feeling. Because even admiration can feel like a gamble: If I admire, I will be insignificant.
So instead, they switch admiration with jealousy. Jealousy gives the impression of being something more ‘manageable.’ Because jealousy has the …
…Might. As if, by critiquing, belittling, devaluing… They will eventually dim their light and only then will you be able to breathe.
Well, that is not true. Dimming someone else’s light will not in any way brighten up your own inner darkness.
On the contrary, it will make your darkness scream even louder.
Jealousy, when viewed philosophically, is related to a person’s position in existence. We seldom compare ourselves to our past selves; rather, we compare the potential selves we didn’t become. And we do this mainly through observing others’ lives.
Hence, jealousy is not just a feeling; it is a deep suffering of the soul. It is the pain caused by the thought of: What kind of person could I have been? And often, that pain points toward one notion: You left yourself halfway.
When jealousy disadvantages the very thing it admires, it ceases to be just jealousy; it becomes toxic.
Secretly admiring, yet openly despising. Refusing to believe in a person’s hard work by saying it was luck.
Calling out a person’s effort as connections. Diminishing a person’s appearance by saying it is fake. Saying a person’s intelligence is arrogance.
While this may seem like a mere personality flaw, psychologically, it is a soul’s defense: Because by accepting the person, the real self must be recognized. And some people find it easier to attack others than to face their own reality.
A jealous person’s words are quite recognizable: small pinpricks. Extremely innocent sentences.
Passive-aggressive remarks disguised as humor. And the most frequently used weapon: devaluation.
That is because jealousy is not only painful when you can’t have something… It is painful when you come to realize the existence of that thing.
Jealousy is the mind’s difficulty in accepting the fact this is really happening.
This is where the notion of confession becomes significant. Jealousy is coming clean on a few things. It reveals that the subject is something that you want, that it matters to you and that you value it.
But one way or another, you can not authorize your desire for it. Either you don’t believe it’s within your reach or you haven’t recognized your right to have it.
In other words, jealousy is repressed admiration. Jealousy marks the point where you cannot grant your admiration the honor it deserves. admiration calls for bravery. Jealousy is fear speaking.
Then what do you do?
Firstly: Don’t refuse to admit jealousy. Jealousy is a natural feeling to humans. It should not be a moral judgment.
Jealousy is a signal. The signal means: There is an inner part of you which is calling to be awakened.
A potential. A desire. A need. If you keep denying it, it will become toxic. On the contrary, the more you accept it, the more it changes.
Secondly: Identify the core of your envy.
What exactly do you envy in that person? Is it their fame? Their courage? Their discipline? Their confidence? Their money? Their relationships?
Then, ask yourself this question: To what extent have I postponed this in my own life?
Because jealousy is mainly not being mad at the other person, but being mad at yourself.
The dream that you deferred has become a reality that someone else is now living and that situation is bothering you.
That annoyance is worthy of attention because it is a force that can make you move.
Thirdly: Don’t allow jealousy to become a weapon that separates you from the person you envy.
Conversion ration: Jealousy: Time and energy waste ; production: growth, expansion, progress, achievement, etc.
The person you envy is not your foe; they are a source of motivation to you.
They are indirectly telling you that the goal is indeed achievable. If you read it as ‘I am suffering,’ it would be jealousy. However, if you read it as ‘This is a way to me,’ it would be inspiration.
Such transition is like a mental muscle. It has to be exercised continuously.
Since jealousy is an automatic emotional reaction, whereas inspiration is a conscious emotional state.
A person who lives by emotions chooses jealousy. A person who lives by awareness chooses admiration.
Fourth: The most mature way to handle jealousy is to express your admiration to that person openly.
This requires a lot of courage because it hurts the ego.
However, it nurtures the spirit. Recognizing someone’s effort, embracing someone’s brilliance results in the vanishing of your internal darkness.
The reason is that you are not engaged in a battle anymore. You are no longer hiding. You are no longer running.
And one last thing, jealousy is not a confidence issue at all. Actually, it is a self worth issue.
When a person is confident, he/she simply says:I can do it. While self-worth signifies: I am worthy of it.
Sometimes people don’t feel deserving of things though they believe they can do them.
So what others have can even hurt them. Because the truth is they carry the following sentence inside: That kind of thing is not going to happen to me.
Jealousy will not go away unless that sentence is changed. As jealousy is not really about someone else, it is about a belief inside.
When we say jealousy is the admitted form of admiration, we mean that: Jealousy betrays you.
It shows your desires, what you value, and what you hold as important. Besides that, it even gives you the chance to decide.
You can make that admission a source of poison. Or you can simply acknowledge it and turn it into: Admiration.
If you do not lie to yourself, jealousy will find you and it will not be your enemy. It will rather be your guide.
It will take you to your own greatness. Because jealousy is a call that has been misinterpreted. It is the voice of your spirit that screams: I want to evolve, just like you.
It is very easy to kill that voice by hurting another. But changing yourself is the truth. And the truth is that the change is always real and silent.
If you were jealous of somebody today, don’t act as if you are ashamed of it. Consider it a message.
Your mind might be saying to you: Phrase inside you that needs to be reactivated.
And probably the main problem is this: You are not blaming them for being who they are.
You are just in pain because you have not discovered your own light yet.
Now rephrase the inquiry: Instead of why does their light annoy me…
It should be, when will I become the source of my own light?
This is where jealousy stops.
Here begins admiration.
And this is the only place where people can truly develop.