An internal voice often contradicts what you hear from the outside, especially when it comes to our achievements and success.
When someone tells you, “You’re so successful,” does something inside you say: “Don’t exaggerate… I’m not that good.
If they knew the truth, they wouldn’t think this way.”
It is a common experience that in such moments we feel as if the imposter syndrome is knocking at our door.
Imposter syndrome is essentially a conceited mind that labels one a fraud.
It is not only limited to your career, it impinges on your relationships, your self-concept, and even the extent of love and connection you think you deserve.
Well, are you actually a fraud or is your mind merely playing tricks with you?
What Is Imposter Syndrome and What Is It Not?
In brief:
You are an outsider who sees you successful, while you yourself feel insufficient, not worthy, “just lucky to be there.”
* You get a promotion and say: “I was just lucky.”
* You are in a good relationship and think: “They shouldn’t love me this much.”
* People praise you and you get nervous: “Soon the truth will come out.”
When a person is caught in the imposter syndrome, that person refuses to acknowledge success
and harbors a constant deep down feeling:
“I don’t belong here. I will be found out one day.”
This is not the case that you are a fraud, but it happens because your mind has set the idea of being enough at a very high and difficult to reach place.
The Personality Side: The Inner Prosecutor
Within the imposter syndrome mind there is an ever-working, small-time, talking inner prosecutor:
“You could have done better.”
“One could do this; don’t make it a big deal.”
“Very soon you will falter and show your real abilities.”
Externally, you are:
* Efficient,
* Reading, writing, working,
* Perhaps even motivating others.
What does your inner voice say?
“I’m not doing anything special.”
Most of the time, beneath this, are things like:
* Perfectionism: If it is not perfect, you don’t even consider it “good enough.”
* Comparison addiction: You are constantly comparing yourself to those who are just one step ahead of you.
* Internalized criticism: Derogatory words you have heard in the past
become your own voice after years.
The upshot?
You meet with success, but are skeptical of it.
Imposter Syndrome in Relationships: “They Can’t Possibly Love Me.”
This is a syndrome that is not only visible in a work environment, projects, or academic fields, but it also comes along with you in your love life.
Have you ever gone through such a feeling:
“This can’t be true that a person like me is loved by someone this good?”
“If only they see the real me, they will definitely leave.”
“The people who deserve someone better than me are the ones, not me.”
Those phrases might sound pretty love related, but what is actually bunched up under them is most of the time:
“I am not worthy to be loved.”
And then the brain plays this game:
* Sabotaging the relationship through:
making up fights, distancing, testing the other person…
* Or keeping to constantly self validate:
“Let me give more,” “Let me sacrifice more,” “So they don’t leave.”
Not a long time after:
Love ceases to be a lovely land, and becomes a test paper:
“Did I show enough love today?”
“Maybe today they were a bit fed up with me?”
In relationships, imposter syndrome comes across like this:
“You don’t really belong here in the world of love, only a visitor you are.
One day they will kindly show you the way out.
Though it might look like this:
The thoughts those sentences are sorting out are not related to your current relationship, they are coming from the depth of your past wounds.
The Psychological Roots: Where Do These Beliefs Come From?
Imposter syndrome is not something that just happens to you suddenly and out of nowhere, it slowly and quietly makes its way into the subconscious of your mind.
1.Conditional Love
When you were a child, you might have received such kind of inputs as:
“Good job, now that you have won a prize we are proud of you.”
“If you will be the best in the class, then we will be happy with you.”
“If you make a mistake, we will be ashamed of you.”
The message becomes:
“Value =Performance.”
As soon as this equation is implanted in your brain,
you cannot even do something good and still relax:
But what if it is not enough?
What if I cannot do it another time?
2. A Strong but Harsh Inner Parent
From child to adult, and your age keeps changing…
However, that one harsh voice is still there within you:
“You should have done more.”
“This is not a big deal.”
“People are being fooled by you.”
After some time, the real parent takes a step back, and the inner parent becomes the prominent one.
This means that you are no longer exposed to someone else’s criticism but to that of your own mind.
3. Not Knowing How to Deal with Success
Quite a few people more or less understand how to cope with failures, but when it comes to success, they are helpless. If, in particular, you:
* Grew up in a family where success was either ignored or laughed at,
* Received messages like “Don’t be too different, don’t get too much attention.”
Your brain will want to put the brakes on your success moments:
“If you don’t shine too bright, nobody will attack you.”
So you begin thinking that it is more secure to dim your own light.
Philosophical Angle: Who Is the Real Fraud?
Let’s consider a bit of philosophy here.
To a mind that never stops saying “I’m a fraud,” we should ask:
“By what standards are you a fraud?”
* From the outside, other people perceive you as a talented, hardworking, and inspiring person.
* On the inside, you view yourself as a lucky one, an overrated person, and someone who will fail soon.
The conflict here is:
* Your internal sense of me which does not match the you that other people see.
Philosophy draws a line between identity and role.
* Identity: The me that you feel inside your heart and mind.
* Role: The character that you are playing externally.
In an imposter syndrome situation, you may be thinking “My role is huge while my identity is tiny.”
However, there is an irony here:
Who really is the imposter?
* You, who have been consistently putting in the work, the studying, showing up and growing for years?
* Or the inner voice that is desperately trying to tag all of this as mere luck?
At times, the real fraud is definitely not you but those statements in your mind.
Work, Love, and Personality: The Same Question in All Three
* At work: “I’m not worthy of this job.”
* In a relationship: “I’m not worthy of this love.”
* In relation to yourself: “I’m not worthy of this praise.”
The common root of these questions:
“Who am I to have this?”
If taken to the philosophical level, this could be a tremendously useful question.
It is the question of a thinking and reflective person.
Yet, psychologically, when the same question is always accompanied by this tone:
“Who am I, really? I am nothing…” then it’s not questioning anymore, it turns into a self sabotage state.
So What Do We Do? Small but Deep Shifts
It is not necessary for you to completely put imposter syndrome
out of your mind.
However, you can reduce its strength.
1. Confront Yourself with Evidence
Write down the points:
* Things you have personally written / projects you have done
* Messages, comments, thank you notes you have gotten
* Real things you have done (finished studies, job, promotion, book, relationship…)
After that look at your list and ask yourself:
“Is it possible that pure luck, coincidence and exaggeration could repeat themselves in the same way for such a long time?”
2. Don’t Shrink Compliments Just Say “Thank You”
One of the things people say most often is:
“I really liked your work,”
After that, people most times respond with:
“Oh, it is nothing really.”
“It is not that good.”
“You are exaggerating.”
These are all your mind’s reflexes aimed at denying success.
What you should do instead is: “Thank you, it is nice to hear that.”
And don’t forget to put a full stop there. By this, you are educating your brain a new habit.
3. Stop Testing in Relationships
Thinking continuously:
“Do they really love me?”
“Will they leave me one day?”
“What if they find someone better?”
Takes relationship from something you experience, to something you control.
Sometimes remind yourself of that:
“Having love for myself is my responsibility before it’s my partner’s.”
Provided that you consider yourself as a guest in love, you will always be close to the door.
4. Humanize Your Definition of Success
The real problem might be your very own definition of success.
If success:
* Not making mistakes,
* Everybody liking you,
* Being the best in every field, then let’s be honest here:
That definition is of a non-human life so you are too unsuccessful
to be able to get there. It is possible for you to modify your success concept this way:
“Am I a little bit more aware than I was yesterday?
If yes: That is success for me.”
One Last Question: Who Is the Fraud?
If you have imposter syndrome, it is your mind that tells you:
“You’re a fraud. You don’t fit in here.”
However I think the truth might be that:
* The fake ones are those phrases that you unconditionally believed years ago.
* The real one is the person you are now: your effort, your thoughts, your growth.
We constantly switch in our heads from one of these two beliefs:
* “I am a mistake.”
*“I am a human who makes mistakes but is still worthy.”
Imposter syndrome is the one that suggests the first.
The second one is supported by psychology, philosophy, and lived experience.
So the question that I am posing to you is this:
For the rest of your life, which sentence’s frequency would you choose to live in?
Are you a fraud?
Or are you someone who, despite the fact that your mind has been undervaluing your effort for years, is still standing, creating, loving, and being loved?
Deep down, you already know the answer.