How “How Are You?” Can Be Used to Sneakily Enter Your Mind
Once you are walking down the street and a person comes to you:
“Sorry to bother you. How are you today? “
You give an answer as if you were on autopilot:
“Fine, thank you.”
To which the next sentence is:
“Excellent. So, I have a small favor to ask you…”
Point of change is right there.
You don’t really have time, you’re not actually inclined, and you’re certainly not obligated to do it.
However, it suddenly comes to the point that refusing is harder than it should be.
Why?
It’s because just a moment before you have activated in your head the mode “I’m fine, I’m polite, I’m easygoing.”
Now, if you decide to go against that image, you feel as if you were betraying your own character even if it is just inside your head.
This phenomenon is called the foot in the mouth effect in psychological terms.
In my language it sounds like this:
“First they get you to say you’re fine, then they use that ‘good person’ image to corner you.”
Moreover, this is not only a trick that the people handing out flyers use to interact with you.
It has become one of the subtle psychological weapons of modern exploitation.
A Small Question, A Big Psychological Trap
The formula is simple:
1. They Start with small talk:
“Hi, how are you today?”
2. You reply:
“I’m good, thanks.”
3. Then they immediately follow up with a request:
“OK. So let me quickly tell you about something…”
That’s it.
That single “I’m good” is like a switch turning on the inner image of yourself as:
“I’m a nice, polite, reasonable person who doesn’t make things difficult.”
When, just a few seconds later, a request is brought forward, refusing to comply with it conflicts with that self-image.
Your inner voice starts whispering:
“I’ve just said I’m fine, would it not be rude if I say no now?”
“It’s only a minute, what’s the big deal…”
“I don’t want to be seen as a harsh or rude person…”
Unaware of it, you are no longer just dealing with their request.
You’re battling with your internal script of “what a good person should do.”
At the end, most of the time, you end up safeguarding that image of yourself by saying a reluctant ok.
When Politeness Is Used to Exploit You
It may have sounded up to this point that the whole thing is somewhat innocent.
Isn’t it good to be polite?
However, here is the problem:
There are lots of people and systems which purposely take advantage of your necessity to be polite in order to get the things they want from you.
In which places can we find that?
* Giving money to promoters of poorly transparent or shady causes on the streets,
* Telemarketing calls,
* Initial contact from cults/groups/metaphysics experts representatives,
* Coaches, healers, and energy workers who secretly message you,
* MLM / network marketers that are trying to make you their downline.
Mostly, they start their scams with a similar phrase:
“Hey, I hope I’m not bothering you. How are you doing?”
It is not always purely goodheartedness.
Quite often it is a psychological trick that is used to open someone’s door.
The truth that they are aware of is:
By making you be the one questioning yourself whether you are nice, polite, and cooperative and thus, acting accordingly, you will feel more implicit pressure from within yourself.
Or, described otherwise:
First they make you accept the concept of yourself being the good person,
and next, using that role, they fight with you.
How Our Need to Be Good People Works Against Us
The main point of the story is:
Not only that we want to look good in the eyes of others, but we also want to look good in our own eyes.
Everyone would be against the idea of thinking that:
“I’m a bad person,”
“I’m selfish,”
“I’m cold and uncaring,”
So what we do is we build up such internal roles as:
“I’m helpful,”
“I never say no to anyone,”
“I do my best not to hurt anyone,”
These roles shine nicely through their facades.
But observe this:
The more these roles are ingrained in you,
The easier it will be for the manipulator to use those to control you.
Whether it is happening on the streets, on the phone, in your inbox, inside a workshop, or on YouTube the place does not matter.
If someone does:
* Initially put you in the good, kind, cooperative category,
* Then asking you for something that good people are not supposed to refuse,
chances are very high that they are intentionally doing so to gain emotional leverage.
Before you get angry at them, there is another truth you have to accept:
“I sometimes betray myself only to keep up my good person façade.”
And this is the exact point where psychology and philosophy start to have
something in common.
Philosophical Side: Loyal to Myself or to My Role?
Philosophically, the question becomes a very bare one:
“Who am I loyal to?”
Loyal to my true self, or to the role I’m playing?”
Think about it:
You don’t feel like giving your time,
You are not willing to spend your money,
You do not want to interact with this person,
You don’t even want to listen.
But only because you don’t want to:
* Behave impolitely
* Appear self centered
* Be perceived as the bad guy you end up betraying yourself.
Being human most of the time means being caught in this particular dilemma:
* One side: Self respect,
* The other: Role loyalty.
People who abuse the foot in the mouth effect are literally dropping a bomb right in the middle of this inner conflict
and exit the scene with a grin on their face.
Before you realize it:
* You keep doing things you don’t want to do because you can’t say no,
* You find yourself in situations that exhaust you time and again,
* And you quietly blame yourself for not having the courage to say no.
This is more than just a flaw of one’s character.
It is a well known weakness of the human mind that others have figured out how to use.
Modern Exploitation: It’s Not Just About Money
Using parties are not just focused on taking your money.
They are also consuming:
* Your time,
* Your energy,
* Your mental bandwidth.
Think about it:
* Have you ever been added to a WhatsApp / Telegram group that you didn’t want to be part of, just because you “didn’t want to be rude”?
* Have you ever listened to a long voice note that left you completely
exhausted, just because you felt guilty for not replying?
* Have you ever gotten an Instagram DM such as, “Hey, I felt your energy, how are you?” and after a few lines, it turned into,
“By the way, I have a program / session that would be perfect for you…”?
Not a single piece of it is random.
That is the way the mindset functions:
“People want to be polite and kind. So, let’s use that way to get in.”
Contemporary exploitation is far more than:
“Hand over your money.”
It is also:
“Hand over your attention.”
“Hand over your time.”
“Hand over your peace of mind.”
Most of the time it is fueled by just one thing: You struggling so much to be a good person.
So What Can We Do?
First step: See it.
When a person next time:
Asks how you are, then immediately follows the question with a request,
you should be able to let a small alarm ring in your mind:
“This person might be attempting to use my politeness as his leverage.”
It is not that manipulative people are always there who ask how you are.
But certainly, you can decide to keep your energy safe.
Step two: Remodel your inner narrative.
An internal new sentence is required of you, such as:
“Politeness doesn’t imply that I have to agree to everything.”
“Being a good person doesn’t force me to give up my self.” Out of your mouth, you don’t have to put on dramatic shows.
Just simple, clear sentences will do the work:
“This is not the time for it.”
“No, I am not interested, but thank you.”
“I do not need it, but thank you for your offer.”
Third step: Amend your story about yourself.
As if you don’t rewrite it, you’ll stay stuck in this old script:
“If I say no, I am not a good person.”
Swap it with something more accurate:
“Just because I defend myself does not make me a bad person.
It is not selfishness to set boundaries, it is actually a sign of self respect.”
Good People Who Cannot Say No Are What Keep the System Going
The foot in the mouth effect might be understood as a technical psychological term.
However, in everyday life, it is really about something quite simple:
“First they get you to behave like a good person, then they rely on you being too scared of ‘bad’ not to say no.”
Therefore, think over this question:
“How many times have I externally agreed to do something while internally I was completely against it?” If the answer is more than I can count the problem is not only with them but also with you.
Which is in fact good news.
Because it also implies:
“I have some influence to bring about this change.”
You don’t have to quit being a good person.
Not even a bit harsh or cold you.
But you do have to learn this:
Just because I said ‘I’m fine, thanks’ doesn’t mean that I have to give free access to my time, energy, and mind to anyone.
Kind if you want.
Warm if you want.
But above all:
You must be good to yourself.
Only then you will be able to decide who really deserves your yes and which ones were merely using the opportunity of your politeness to sneak in.