A Small Guide to Understanding People (Including Yourself)
Most of the time, when the term narcissism is used; people consider just one type of a person:
A person who is in love with himself, he is always checking himself in the mirror, and he considers everyone under him.
But a single mask is not what makes up the concept of a narcissist.
Narcissism is a set of different faces that come from the same root but differ in the way they behave.
The most hurtful thing about this:
For a while, we don’t just see these faces in other people but we also have them inside of us.
We decipher the 5 types from the post with a blend of daily language, psychology, and a little bit of philosophy.
1. Malignant Narcissism
Manipulative/Sadistic/Deceitful /Vengeful
It’s the most raw and dangerous form of narcissism that these people have.
Their actions include:
* Emotionally playing with people,
* Getting pleasure from the person they are hurting,
* Cheating and then saying you are crazy for thinking so,
* Being vengeful and waiting for the time to get back at you.
This is the place where the term self centeredness is not just a synonym for selfishness, to be self-centered here means to feel superior even when the cost involved is the violation of another person’s dignity.
The aspect of empathy is missing in this structure, according to psychology.
According to philosophy, people are not subjects but objects to be handled.
It means that your first action upon dealing with this kind of narcissism should not be understand them but rather, defend your own limits.
2. Covert Narcissism
Insecure/Resentful/Passive/Victim
The instance of a narcissist is not featured in the show here.
It resides within an emotionally weak, spoilt, withdrawn body.
* They always claim they are misunderstood and deeply hurt,
* They blame everybody but never admit their own fault,
– They are reluctant to give up their victim role,
– They view criticism as an attack.
They present themselves as extremely sensitive, very deeply hurt ones.
Thus, most people feel pity for them and take the role of the rescuer by protecting them.
According to psychology, the center is still me, but the equation changes:
“I am so unique and so hurt that it is everyone’s duty to understand me.”
According to philosophy, the question turns to be:
“At what point do we segregate between the line of being real victims and transforming victimhood into an identity?”
3. Overt (Grandiose) Narcissism
Arrogant/Dominant/Showy/Entitled
It’s the one we usually think of when talking about narcissism:
* They dominate the conversations any place they go,
* They fabricate the details of their achievements,
* They are always in need of being praised and of getting attention,
* They consider themselves the only ones exempt from the rules.
These people do not attempt to conceal their superiority, on the contrary, they find great pleasure in flaunting it.
Comforting the hollow feeling inside they vastly increase the outer seeking of approval and showing off to compensate.
On a separate note, they clearly differentiate between me and the others:
“I am the special one, and you are just the ordinary crowd.”
Most of the time, people who have such relationships describe their feelings as:
Being worn out and as if being pushed aside. This is so because in their
realm you are most probably only a supporting character.
4. Communal / Moral Narcissism
Moralistic/Virtuous/Know it all/Show off
In this case, the ego is disguised with a mask of virtue and high morality.
* They are never tired of talking about society, people, morals, religion, values,
* They elevate themselves above everyone else in terms of consciousness,
* They know exactly what everyone ought to be doing,
* They delude others in thinking that their arrogance is wisdom.
This pattern in couples looks like:
* Only they are the ones giving lessons,
* Instead of admitting faults, they use ideals as a shield,
* They create moral superiority over their partners.
Psychologically, the focus remains me, but the inner phrase this time is:
“I am more righteous, more mature, more aware than you.”
Philosophically, you come to understand that true virtue is silent and humble, while the one that is being flaunted most probably is just a disguise for the thirst of power.
5. Combative (Aggressive) Narcissism
Competitive/Aggressive/Argumentative /Confrontational
For the person with this disorder life is an unending power struggle.
* Conversation quickly becomes debate,
* Debate escalates to battle,
* They must always be right,
* Not giving an answer is considered a weak point.
In a relationship:
* You feel like sharing your feeling; however, they automatically defense themselves,
* When saying please try to understand me, they take it as “I must prove I am right,”
* Being away from the focus of the connection, they put their energy into winning.
Psychologically, the desire to never lose and the vulnerability deep inside
are hidden by an aggressive manner of behavior.
Here the philosophizing voice comes in:
What is more important being right or staying together?
If the response is being right at every instance, the relationship has already come to an end; what remains is only an ego wrestling match.
Okay, But What About Us?
When you were going through the list of these 5 types, probably some faces came to your mind:
An ex partner, a family member, a friend, a boss…
However, the toughest question is that one:
Do I really know for sure that I don’t have these traits?
It is not a fact that narcissism is a virus that is only in others.
Each one of our egos is from time to time inclined to one of these five facades.
The very first step of the awareness is:
* In case you always see yourself as a victim of situations = you may have elements of a hidden narcissist.
* If you behave as if you know best in every situation = communal / know it all narcissism.
* If the moment you are criticized, you immediately respond with an attack = combative narcissism.
* If you are constantly on the lookout for praise and admiration = overt narcissism.
* In case you are fond of hurting others and get a weird pleasure out of it = signs of malignant narcissism.
It is not intended here that we shame ourselves, but that we recognize where our ego is coming from.
Love Does Not Heal Narcissism
One of the most common illusions is that:
If I love them enough, they will change.
One’s love alone does not have the power to simply make the narcissistic patterns vanish.
In most cases, along with therapy, a person must face the issue deeply and make an inner effort to overcome it.
Being someone’s therapist is not your role.
It is your role to keep holding on to your boundaries, dignity, and mental health.
Seeing Yourself Is the Key to Reading Others
The knowledge of the 5 types of narcissism is not only to be used for coming up with a list of
Which people should I avoid?
What really matters is that it works for you in the following ways:
* You understand the patterns through your relationships,
* You realize your own ego when it gets inflated,
* You take precautions for yourself and at the same time enhance the quality of your relationships.
There is one simple truth about human relationships:
The one who is able to see his own ego does not become a victim of someone else’s.
In love, in friendship, at work…
The next time you feel too small when someone is too big, it would be wise to remember this:
Maybe the thing that is missing in you is not the problem.
It might as well be that their ego is the one that is occupying most of the space in your life.