Usually, relationships do not finish as a result of one major dramatic event.
It is like with a glass; the glass does not break all at once, already there are small invisible cracks.
Nowadays, social media has gradually become the kind of invisible crack that you are talking about in relationships.
Those vague feelings of strangeness, sudden jealousy, unprovoked resentment, that something felt off moment …
More and more often they come to the relationship not through the door but through the screen that we have in our pockets.
This is not an article which asserts that social media is the source of all evils and therefore everything should be immediately deleted.
However, it is a truthful one:
Infidelity is not the major reason for the downfall of most relationships.
They are being ruined by a third screen, not a third person.
1. Constant Comparison: “Why Aren’t We Like Them?”
Before the standard of comparison for relationship was much narrower:
Only a few friends, a couple of other couples, maybe one or two love stories from the movies were available for comparison.
And now?
We are witnessing:
* Couples from diverse corners of the globe that could number in the thousands,
* Agreat number of perfect moments,
* Relationships that look like they are always happy and in complete harmony with one another.
Psychologists refer to this as social comparison.
According to Festinger’s social comparison theory, human mind is a constant evaluator of itself through the observation of others, especially those who are doing better.
This leads to what is called upward comparison, which very often causes people to feel even more that they are not good enough and that they lack something.
So what?
*“They go somewhere every weekend… Why don’t we?”
*“Her boyfriend writes long paragraphs under all her posts… Why don’t you?”
* “Everyone posts something on their anniversary… Why didn’t you?”
The relationship ceases to be the living bond linking two people’s lives,
and quietly, it turns into a rivalry with others’ relationships.
Most of the times, however, what we are given to see on social media is:
* Acted out,
* Phases carefully chosen,
* Filtered reality.
The mind has a tendency to forget sometimes:
“That’s only the 3 best seconds of their whole day.”
Comparison intensifies to such a point that inside a relationship the occurrence of gratitude becomes very rare.
What we have diminishes,
at the same time what others seem to have gets bigger and bigger.
2. Scattered Attention: The Two Different Worlds Share a Couch
One of the most serious things that social media does to relationships is actually the one that is most simple:
Though you are sitting next to each other on the same couch, in your minds you are literally in two different universes.
One mind wanders in reels, whereas the other follows X (Twitter);
The two persons are next to each other, however, their thoughts are at different places.
Human brain cannot allocate its attention resource fully to several things simultaneously.
This phenomenon is known as divided attention and attention residue in neuropsychology:
Even if you physically look away from the screen and at your partner,
your mind can only partially let go of what you have just seen.
Gradually, the image emerges:
* Conversations become shorter.
* It gives the feeling of spending time together, but the truth is each person is with their own screen.
* Silence ceases to bring peace and begins to create a feeling of disconnection.
Relationships depend on the eye contact, touch, talking and sharing experiences for their survival.
On the contrary, social media breaks down the attention span to tiny milliseconds.
Two people who don’t really listen to each other anymore finally start stating that: “We just don’t understand each other.”
However, most of the time, this is not the real problem.
The real problem is their attentions are not fully here.
3. Craving Approval: Preferring to be Fed by the Crowd than Your Partner
Social media is perfect in pinpointing the most sensitive area of a human mind:
The desire to be noticed and approved.
* Likes,
* Comments,
* Shares,
* DMs…
In terms of behavioral psychology, this is one component of the reward punishment system, and particularly the variable ratio schedule (the same method that is used in slot machines):
You are not going to receive the same quantity of likes on every post.
There are times when you get more and sometimes less.
This non-predictable reward pattern is what triggers the brain’s dopamine system the most.
With time, some people stop getting their emotional needs fulfilled by their partner, and instead they start measuring their emotional worth by the reaction of an invisible crowd:
* “Who all watched my story?”
* “What made him like this photo?”
* “If I post this, who will be able to see it?”
Two deep fissures are left behind in a relationship as a result of this:
1. The approval from your partner becomes normal.
Brain gets used to what is constantly in front of its eyes.
The attention from your partner becomes “default” and starts to feel less special.
2. The approval of the crowd becomes too important.
What excites you the most is the reaction from the people whom you haven’t met, rather than the quiet presence of the one who really loves you.
The relationship slowly ceases to be an intimate place for two people and becomes more like a public play.
4. Hidden Doors: Micro Cheating in the DMs
Cheating is not a very common thing to see that a person dramatically betrays from the very beginning.
Usually, it comes from a place that almost looks like an innocent one such as:
*To an ex, sending a “Hey, how have you been?” message,
* An individual who is always liking your posts and gradually turns into your chat buddy in DMs,
* Connecting with someone by saying “we’re just talking, nothing’s going on” and eventually getting it normalized.
Psychologists have a term for it: Emotional infidelity.
Even physically apart, once a person decides to give his/her emotional energy and secrets to someone else before the partner, emotionally the bond is changing.
The online world provides very quick and easy secret access points for this.
Especially when the couple is starving for emotional connection:
* A person who is not feeling listened to,
* Somebody who is always criticized,
* A person who feels unnoticed,
is likely to discover the easiest way out from the communication box.
Because:
* There is less judgment,
* No obligations,
* Very little responsibility.
Instead of being understood, what is experienced is the illusion of it.
This is why social networks became one of the most fertile grounds to micro-cheating and the emotional drift.
5. Passive-Aggressive Posting: Throwing Shade Through Stories Instead of Talking
Many couples do not reveal the problems they have with each other face to face anymore.
They rather go for the following options:
* Indirect song lyrics,
* Suggestive quotes,
* Subtle but sharp Instagram stories
Based on communication psychology, this is the passive aggressive behavior.
A person, who experiences this deeply, chooses indirect ways to hurt or send a message instead of stating the feeling directly.
What does this lead to?
* Problems being unsolved,
* They only become more visible and bigger.
* Issues that should be talked through between two people turn into the presence of a drama with an audience.
There is a similar idea in systemic family therapy: Triangulation.
Argument or tension between two persons is redirected through the third element (Here: Social media and its invisible viewers).
The relationship loses its worth.
The times that ought to be deeply intimate and vulnerable
are getting recycled as content.
However, in a healthy relationship, one of the most fundamental rules is still: “We share our problems with each other, not with the audience.”
Are You Pushing the Rock, or Just Pushing the Screen?
Trying to keep up a relationship in the era of social media is, to one’s mind, very much the same as Sisyphus endlessly pushing his rock uphill:
You trust again every day, you decide again every day where to put your focus, you keep repeating to yourself silently every day:
“I decide to take care of this connection.”
So, look at yourself and ask the question:
Am I nourishing my relationship right now, or am I just endlessly scrolling through my feed?
What if someday the person you love turns to you and says:
“When I talk to you, you are really here with me.”
Then you have succeeded in safeguarding your relationship in spite of the social media drift.