At times, you give yourself an extremely serious order:
Ok, I won’t think about it.
No panic.
I won’t text.
I won’t have any sweets.
This time I will not embarrass myself.
And then this peculiar thing happens: Your brain rebels against you.
The more you try to shove the idea away, the louder it becomes.
One of the reasons is that sometimes the mind is very human in its reasoning:
What you try to banish it comes back.
Psychology terms this very plainly: Ironic Process Theory.
Daniel Wegner thinks of it in a straightforward way:
If you try to push a thought out, you might even end up thinking of it more.
It’s not that the universe is giving you a lesson.
It is the brain’s control system, which at times malfunctions.
So why does the mind do it?
The suppression that we talk about here works as a kind of two part mechanism:
1) The working mind (the executive)
It stops you from focusing on the thought by trying to get your attention to other things:
Think of something else. Focus. Calm down.
2) The monitoring mind (the vigilance system)
It stays alert to check:
Is the forbidden thought still around?
The thing is the more the mind scans did it appear? The more it keeps the thought in the mind.
It resembles an internal search engine:
Don’t think about it.
Your mind: Ok… Search for it…
So if you are looking for something, you will also find it.
That which is found… Keeps haunting you.
Manifestation in daily life
The ironic processes present themselves in vignettes that are nearly comical until you realize they are not:
I’m not eating cake and cake all of a sudden seems absolutely untouchable.
I’m not thinking about my ex and your ex keeps appearing in your dreams.
Don’t be nervous and your heart somersaults.
Don’t embarrass yourself in public and your tongue gets tied.
The reason is that suppression almost never diminishes a thought.
It makes it become the thing that you feel you should track.
And what you track… Gets bigger.
Why it gets worse under stress
Wegner’s model reveals a crucial detail:
The two systems cannot function fully without mental energy.
The working mind (redirecting attention) demands cognitive resources.
So it is this part that suffers and gets exhausted fast if you are tired, deprived of sleep, tense, or sad.
The monitoring mind (checking in the background) goes on anyway.
Therefore, under stress, the situation is like this:
It’s hard for you to distract yourself…
But the forbidden thinking scan is never stopped.
What come out from it?
The thought boomerangs sometimes even to a greater extent.
Which means that there’re some nights and moments when it’s not that you’re being overly obsessive, but rather that you’re just extremely drained.
Ironic processes in relationships: The I won’t text crisis
One of the most famous theories in relationship dynamics is this:
I’m not going to text. I will make myself stay away.
Yet your brain keeps asking:
Is it time I send a text now?
Before you know it, your phone is in your hand.
Then you are disappointed in yourself.
You keep repressing even more.
Eventually, it comes back with even greater force.
The cycle looks like this:
Suppression = Monitoring = Thought intensifies = More suppression
And there comes a time when it is no longer about the text.
It’s about the mind’s need for control.
The more control you try to exert, the more your brain interprets it as danger, and it keeps looking.
Sports, stage, job interviews can be the pointed moments of performances.
Performance is something that requires a good cooperation between your body and mind.
You know what happen ironically the very moment you are giving a performance:
In a game, the thoughts like aren’t you falling? Aren’t you missing the target? would come in your mind and your body simply gets very stiff.
When you are on a stage, the words don’t forget, don’t stutter keep coming again and again thus making it more difficult for you to utter those words.
When you are at an interview, the very moment the thought don’t say something ridiculously comes in your mind you find yourself not being able to think of any further.
This is partly because performance itself is stressful.
What is more, it is under the stress that the things we try to suppress have the greatest probability of making a comeback.
So what now?
Should we abandon the idea of not suppressing?
Yes but don’t take it the wrong way.
Not suppressing doesn’t mean that you should give in to the thought.
It is rather like: Don’t wage a war on it.
It is because whatever you fight against in your head you tend to magnify.
A nicer way of dealing with this situation can be:
Okay, the thought appeared.
It’s just a mere thought.
My brain is on a scanning mode right now.
It’s only temporary.
Allow it to stay there without turning it into an enemy or a dramatic event.
Name it, and it loses power
The moment the thought comes you say:
This is an ironic process. The trace of this process is the thought that one that the mind has just scanned for.
This sentence disempowers the thought.
When you can see the mechanism, its magic is gone.
Then take one more small step:
Don’t really reject it.
Try to accept it if possible.
Don’t attempt explaining it.
Simply give it a name:
Scanning.
Then, with a gentle touch, switch your focus to something else.
What I really mean
The question isn’t really:
Why is it in my mind?
The question should be:
Why is it still on my control list?
Because whatever is on your control list still signals danger to your brain.
And danger is kept under surveillance.
So next time, don’t scream don’t.
Just say:
Alright. You’ve come. You may go.
Some things are not forcing the door.
They linger inside… Because you’re the one who is keeping watch at the entrance.