There are some sentences that pierce your heart directly, even when they are accompanied with an, I am telling this with good intentions kind of wrapping.
Those statements that start with Please don’t misunderstand me, but…
And then go shrink you, belittle you, or bring the feeling of shame over you.
So where is the actual problem?
In the words? In the intention? In the ego?
I like this line as much as the line itself being provocative ‘There is no such thing as well intentioned criticism.’
Because it makes us confront a very uncomfortable question:
When I criticize someone, whose ego am I really protecting? Theirs, or mine?
Criticism: The Polite Version of ‘I Know Better Than You’
At the psychological level, criticism almost always implies this hidden message:
What you are doing is not good enough, what I know is more correct.
We don’t say it aloud, but the subtext is there.
Criticism goes from up to down: there is the knower and the one who has strayed.
This is not only a difference in information, it is a desire to form a hierarchy.
The brain functions in this manner:
* When it considers itself right and justified,
* When it takes its personal truth as the universal truth,
* When it sees the other person’s choice as a threat, it wishes to ascend to a higher level and look down.
Criticism are the small things that are being thrown down from that upper balcony.
In psychological terms, we can refer to this as a fantasy of superiority
the endeavor to elevate one’s own value by emphasizing another person’s faults.
I have found your flaw, therefore I must be smarter, more experienced, more mature.
That is the reason why, no matter how good the intention is, the frequency of criticism most of the times resonates with pride.
What Does That Tight Feeling in the Chest Tell Us?
When a sentence tightens the other person’s chest, if it makes them feel judged, belittled, or cornered, then we cannot even pretend that such well intentioned sentences exist.
After all, the human brain doesn’t get our intention.
It gets the impact.
Though you can utter a phrase like: I’m only thinking of you, it seems that your body language, voice tonality, word choice, your appearance…
…Could be screaming:
What you’re doing is just not logical. This is my way.
At that moment the good intention outfit is ripped off by the
judged feeling, which is, psychologically, what remains.
When people are criticized, they psychologically react with one of the three defense mechanisms:
1. Freeze: They become lifeless, silent, but keep the hurt inside them.
2. Attack: Who do you think you are? They respond by attacking the critic.
3. Submit: They give up their own truth to be liked and get approval.
There is one thing that these three scenarios lack:
that is a really free and healthy learning process.
The idea that criticism serves as education is, in fact, mostly just a theory.
Unsolicited Advice: Criticism in Disguise
Also, there is the milder version: Advice.
You weren’t asked for anything.
They go on with their life, apparently happy, and someone shows up with:
* Here’s a piece of advice…
* If I were you, I wouldn’t do that.
* I just have to tell you this.
The underlying message couldn’t be clearer:
You are doing things the wrong way, mine is more correct.
Thus, very often, advice is nothing but a disguised criticism.
If only the other person had asked for your advice, by stepping in uninvited you basically imply that you are locking them in the classroom of your life lessons.
Here, we come to the point of personal boundary violation.
Every human mind has an entrance.
And there is an imaginary sign on that door:
If you want to teach, ring the bell please.
If you don’t ring, and simply open the door, it doesn’t matter whether you say I’m just trying to protect you, or My heart goes out to you, the result is still the same:
You are imposing the other person with a learning process that they had not agreed to.
Moreover, a mind that is coerced to learn hardly ever actually learns.
Most of the time it learns ways to protect itself.
But I Didn’t Mean It in a Bad Way
People, after attacking other people, commonly react by saying:
‘No, you got it wrong, I only said it for your own good.’
Maybe that is how they actually feel.
However, this fact doesn’t really diminish the criticizing side of the ego.
Good intention works like a very thin layer of cream which we apply on our ego.
It fades some of the scratches, but it is still the same knife that caused the wound.
Philosophically speaking, good intention is a very debatable issue.
The fact that I feel justified cannot be taken as a proof that what I did was right.
We can even take use of Kant’s focus on good will to do what we want in daily life and be unaware of it:
I had a good intention so you are the one with the problem.
However, the more truthful moral statement would say:
I did something that hurt you. If I remember correctly, even then my intention was good, but here is the outcome. Am I willing to accept the responsibility for that?
An act done with good intention is only understandable if it is followed by responsibility.
Acting as a protective cover, it is simply pride telling the same thing in another language.
The Hidden Fear Behind Criticism
Besides, the shadow side of criticism is fear.
* When a person’s unusual decision makes us doubt our own,
we glorify our road by finding faults in theirs.
* When someone’s achievement makes us feel that we lack something,
we brand them as too much, over the top and cut them down trying to make them equal with us.
* When someone’s independence shows that we are not brave enough,
we say that their freedom is irresponsible.
Criticism therefore, states most of the times:
Your way of being is activating a wound in me.
Rather than recognizing it, we still maintain, I’m just telling the truth,
which is mental defending of hurt that the mind refuses to face.
That’s why the concept of well intentioned criticism not existing
makes us wonder:
Who is the voice speaker here?
My knowledge? My love? Or my fear?
So… Should We Never Give Feedback?
Everything I’ve said so far doesn’t mean
Never say anything to anyone.
The real issue is the form and the ground of the conversation.
Here’s the difference:
* Criticism moves from top to bottom.
* Feedback stands side by side.
Criticism says:
You’re doing it wrong; I’m telling you.
Feedback says:
If you’d like, I can share an observation. You don’t have to agree with it.
Criticism attacks the person’s character:
You’re always like this.
Feedback focuses on behavior:
When you did this in that situation, it had this effect on me.
Criticism closes the space.
Feedback leaves room.
And most importantly:
Real feedback is meaningful only when the other person wants it.
Unwanted feedback whatever we call it is a form of mental intrusion.
So a more honest attitude would be:
I have a viewpoint, but as long as you don’t ask, this is your space, not my classroom.
Can a Harsh Inner Critic Be Gentle to Others?
There is also the inward aspect.
A mind that criticizes itself mercilessly will struggle to be gentle with others.
If the inner voice says:
* If I make a mistake, I’m worthless.
* If I’m not perfect, I’ll be humiliated.
* I must constantly correct myself.
Then the same lens turns toward the outside world.
Other people’s flaws become a mirror of our own fear of being flawed.
Under the label of well intentioned criticism, we end up attacking in others
what we cannot accept in ourselves.
Maybe the only truly meaningful criticism is the one we direct inward
and then transform with self compassion.
Not beating ourselves up, but asking:
What can I learn here?
So What Do We Do Instead?
It could possibly be the most appropriate way of
thinking to work out a small inner regulation:
1. Try to control your critical impulse.
Is it that I really care of their well being right now, or is it that I just want to take away my own uneasiness by hiding it?
2. Take that step and talk to the person.
Would you like to hear the way I see this?
And then be obedient to the answer.
No is still a response and it is not a scolding of us.
3. Focus on yourself.
What feelings are their choix provoking in me?
Fear? Envy? Insecurity? An instinct of protection?
4. Drop the mask of the one who is always right.
Instead of I know better, say:
From my point of view, it seems like this.
Maybe in that way criticism becomes conversation, judgment becomes understanding and talking from a higher position changes to walking together.
Changing the Frequency of Criticism
The quotation There is no such thing as well intentioned criticism
does not imply the necessity of silence.
It implies the necessity of more conscious speech.
* To change the tone from one of superiority to that of equality…
* To change intrusion to permission…
* To change judgment to that of respectful curiosity.
Perhaps the true invitation is:
As long as the person does not ask for your help, you are not needed as a teacher.
They might just need you as a friend, and sometimes the greatest wisdom is the ability to say,
“I have so many things to say, but I believe your way. If you want me to speak, I’ll be there. If not, I’ll stay here with you quietly.”